Paranoid Druid
by Paranoid Emo Ranger
Summary: Warning: Out of character. Russell gets a chance to redeem himself and so he is given a task to babysit Arlene's kids. While a certain character is back with a vengeance. Chapter 1 is up!
1. Coby and Lisa

**PARANOID DRUID**

**Summary:** Russell gets a chance to redeem himself and so he is given a task to babysit Arlene's kids. While a certain character is back with a vengeance.

**CHAPTER 1: COBY AND LISA**

'I won't kill you.' Eric Northman said when he came face to face with the almost three thousand year old vampire; Russell Edgington, his brown eyes swam in blood. 'I know you loved Talbot, but you killed my parents a thousand years ago.'He added calmly while the other dead man continued staring at him. 'I thought it only to be fair.' Eric turned his back to him and started walking, he knew that Russell would eventually call out to him not knowing what to do next as he had already lost Franklin, Talbot, the wolf pack in Mississippi and a few of his vampires.

'What now Northman?' The king asked him as the Viking walked away. 'I know you have something up your sleeve! I can't trust anyone!'

'I'll see what I can do.' The Viking said. 'There's no point in killing each other when we can't bring back the ones we've lost.' He added and flew away into the sky, leaving the vampire king alone on the grounds of his estate rethinking what Eric said.

Eric Northman entered Merlotte's the next evening searching for the bar owner, he already recognized Jason Stackhouse sitting with another woman, he saw Jessica the baby vampire working on tables when she saw him the redhead immediately gave him a small bow.

'Where is Sam Merlotte?' He asked her.

'He's behind the bar.' She pointed Sam for him and he immediately walked to the bar.

Sam was wearing his black shirt; he was cleaning the counter from the beer spills of his customers. When he looked up he stood straight up and nodded at Eric.

'Eric.' Sam greeted.

'Shifter' Eric greeted back. 'you told me that you would somehow repay me for my services after the incident with the maenad.' He added and Sam gave him a small smile.

'I remember you never called afterwards.' Sam said, as he places the towel on below the counter.

'Yes but you told me you'd repay me.' He looks around and sees Arlene's kids; Coby and Lisa who just sat by the counter. 'Oohh...I remember these two.' The vampire approaches them, a smile on his face.

'Look Lisa it's the vamp from a long time ago.' Coby said to his sister Lisa who was eating her burger.

'You like your hamburger little girl?'

'Eric!' Sam snapped at him.

'Can I borrow them?' The vampire asked.

'What? what for?' Sam asked furious. 'They're not for eating!' Everyone in the bar looked at them.

'Go back to your meals people!' Lafayette said getting out of the kitchen. 'Can't nobody get any privacy round here?' The bar patrons obeyed the cook's command and continued with their food.

Sam turned to Eric again and looked up at him straight in the eye.

'What is this exactly about?' The bar owner asked.

'Have you heard of Russell Edgington?' Eric asked him in return.

'Yes, Sookie told me about him.' Sam replied. 'Saw him on tv…' Sam was shocked, remembering that nightly broadcast when Russell ripped out the anchorman's spine like the one in Predator. 'No, no, no you can't borrow them so you can feed them to the dead man.' He turned away but in a millisecond Eric stood in front of him.

'I made a deal with him; I'm going to let him learn to trust me and me to trust him.' He said and Sam almost laughed out loud at how ridiculous it sounded coming from him. The Viking glanced at the two 'teacup humans' and turned to Sam again. 'Do you think they're annoying enough or spoiled?' He asked with a grin on his face.

Sam gave him an I-don't-know-what-you're-thinking-of look and broke the silence.

'Not really, but they like to annoy strangers a lot, like Pam.' Sam replied and Eric grinned wider 'perfect' he said in the back of his mind.

It was about 1am when the bar closed with Terry, Arlene, Jessica, Tommy and Sam being the late shifters of the night. They each bid each other goodbye when Arlene and Terry asked Sam to take care of Coby and Lisa next week because they were going on a vacation. Sam of course, was obliged because Sookie and Bill were having their honeymoon in Vancouver for three months. Sam and Tommy got in their caravan.

'Sam, can Jessica and I have the night shift off on Monday?' Tommy asked his brother.

'Yeah, sure.' He had his hands full, at the moment; Arlene and Terry were going on a vacation and Tommy and Jessica were off on the night shift on Monday. He could always call Tara and Lafayette for that day or he can bring Jesus with him to help around.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM ERIC NORTHMAN

His cell said and he immediately opened it.

So we're set for next week? Coby and Lisa are in for a ride.

How did he know Arlene and Terry were going to be out of town? Sam eventually slept it off, after the night's events, 'maybe things will work out in the end' he said to himself but he had no idea how wrong he was.

**MONDAY EVENING**

'Hello little teacup humans.' Eric greeted Coby and Lisa after they arrived in the parking lot of Fangtastia. 'Shifter.' He greeted Sam who nodded at him.

Sam was lucky leaving Lafayette and Tara in charge while Jason and Andy Bellefleur, Terry's cousin being a cop was enough to keep the bar from falling apart.

'Where are we going?' Lisa asked curiously, fear in her voice.

'Don't worry little girl, it'll be a surprise.' Eric gave her a smile and then turned to Sam afterwards. 'They'll be fine; I'll make sure of it.' He carried the two kids into his arms without effort and flew into the sky.

"I hope so, I really hope so.' Sam said to himself and drove away in his truck back to Bon Temps.

**RUSSELL'S VAMPIRE MANSION STRAIGHT OUT OF GONE WITH THE WIND**

They were now on the grounds of the vampire estate as he placed Coby and Lisa down on the ground, the little girl spoke immediately.

'This place scares me.' She said and her brother shrugged.

Eric bites his own arm and instructs them to drink his blood.

'No, it's icky!' The girl said while Coby just took a little of it.

'Do it or I'll leave you here with the king!' He yelled and then calmed down. 'Do you remember what he said on TV little girl? He's gonna eat your mommy after he eats you.' He could have laughed out louder than he ever had in centuries when Lisa started to drink the blood but he contained it for later. 'I'll be able to track you down with my blood inside you; if anything goes wrong I'll come immediately.'

'What's wrong with the king? Why'd he wanna see us?' Coby asked.

'You'll know soon enough Coby.' He gave them both a grin and knocked on the door.

'I'm here to see the king.' He told the guards who opened the door. There was no need to contain him for they knew Russell was expecting him. It was then when Russell appeared coming down from the staircase and welcome them.

'Your majesty.' Eric said and Russell nodded, immediately turning his attention to the children who just stared at him. 'I wish to speak with you in private.' He said, the King turning his attention back to Eric.

'Very well then.' He led them to his office where he had most of his 'unusual' collections. There was a very comfortable sofa that Coby and Lisa liked very much that they started wrestling on it. Eric seeing the King's face irritated made him laugh inside. 'Whose children are these Eric?' He finally asked.

'A friend's friend.' The Viking replied as he sat on one of the individual chairs. 'In order for me to trust you and for you to trust me again, you have to take care of them both for a week.' The look on Russell face made the children roar with laughter.

'Wow! Did you hear that Lisa? A vampire king is gonna take care of us!' Coby said to his sister who smiled at him.

'What fun!' Lisa replied delighted to get away from classmates and teachers complaining about the way they were raised by their mother. They did not notice that the two vampires were looking at them; the other had a KILL ME! KILL ME NOW! expression and the other was saying to himself along the lines of PERFECT! MWAHAHHAHHAAHAHA! *evil grin.

'It'll be good for you my King.' Eric said and Russell rolled his eyes. 'Not just for my benefit but for yours as well, they can warm that old heart of yours.'

'But I have no heart.' The two kids then saw flames all over the office while the king laughed sadistically at them; his eyes were the color of blood, the veins on his forehead showing, someone's spine being waved around.

*CUT IMAGINATION*

'They're good kids…aren't you Coby? Lisa?' The Viking asked leaning forward to them. _Annoy him as much as you want, that is why you are here. The King trusts me too much already he will not harm you. _He told them telepathically.

'Our mama says so, and mama knows best.' Lisa said that made Eric laugh.

'I'd like to stay but I must fly back to Fangtasia.' He said as he stood up to a towering six feet and four inches tall. 'I'll come back before dawn Your Majesty.' The king looking uneasy but Eric ignored it. 'Good night little teacup humans.' He exited out the window and flew away.

'So? You're name's are Coby and Lisa?' They nodded.

'You are a king?'

'Do you have a crown?'

'Do you have a queen?'

'Do you have a pony?'

'Do you have a dinosaur?'

'I'm hungry.'

'We're hungry.'

'We want ice cream.'

'Eehh…ice cream?' He knew it was something that humans ate but he had no idea what it looked like. Russell only knew what ice and what cream looked like. 'Guards!' He yelled from his office and two of them came inside. 'Get some ice and cream.' For a moment there the kids heard something about dairy.

A minute later the two guards came back with the ice and cream, they handed it to the king who opened it after placing two bowls in front of the kids. It became clear to them that although he was king, he had no idea what ice cream looked like.

'Here's your ice.' He placed the ice in their individual bowls. 'And your cream.' He poured the cream on top of the ice cubes. 'Come on eat it.'

'This isn't ice cream!' They complained and ranted about how there should be a law that states vampire kings and queens should know what ice cream looks like.

'You don't know what ice cream looks like? Why?' Coby asked furious.

'Now I've been a…' He was cut off when Lisa started jumping up and down the sofa that King Leopold of Belgium gave him long ago. 'I'll get you some real ice cream if you would stop doing that my little puddin'

And Lisa stopped.

**BON TEMPS**

Tommy and Jessica were on their way to Bill's house when there came something from the bushes that made both their spines shiver. They got out of the car to investigate, they could hear it when they start walking but when they stop, the noise also stops. When they turn back to the car a figure appeared, beautiful, she had dark hair and almost something sinister about her.

'Run Jessica! Run!'

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Please review dear readers I accept flames and other details are to come so stay tuned.


	2. I Don't Have a Dinosaur

**Shoutout to justareader13, thanks for reviewing :)**

**CHAPTER 2: I DO NO****T HAVE A DINOSAUR**

'Mister? Why didn't you answer our questions?' Coby asked the old Celt who sighed heavily.

'Well if you would kindly repeat your questions to me in an old fashioned way of not pouring them in front of me all together I'd be glad to answer them for you Coby.' Russell replied smiling at them, he was sitting behind his desk when the children approached him.

'Do you have a crown?' Lisa asked.

'I have several.'

'Do you have a queen?' This time Coby asked.

'Yes! She's upstairs.' He replied and he had a brilliant plan. 'Oh…I know why don't we pay her a visit?' A wide smile on his face. Coby and Lisa looked at each other as though communicating like twins, sending signals to each other.

'Maybe she doesn't want to be disturbed.' Lisa said to the King who leaned closer to them as though desperately wanting a taste of their blood.

'Nonsense!' He laughed. 'She's never busy with anything but her birds.' The King stood up and placed his arms around them. They walked out of the office and went up the stairs to Sophie-Anne's room.

'Good evening my darling Sophie-Anne.' Russell greeted and Sophie-Anne looked up at him.

'What do you want?' She asked her tone ferocious.

'Nothing, nothing...I just wanted to introduce you to our guests.' He said, squeezing the children's faces. 'This young man here is Coby and this little girl is Lisa.' The King introduced them. Sophie-Anne was just staring at them and they stared down the floor. 'Come on, they just want to have a little fun.'

'What have you gotten yourself into?' The Vampire queen of Louisiana asked him.

'What business is that of yours?'

They loathed each other telepathically that Coby and Lisa could feel it.

**TELEPATHICALLY:**

'You're up to something.'

'Maybe…'

'And you're going to tell me.' She said firmly.

'Bring it on bitch!'

They did not dare fight especially in front of two human children who all of a sudden Russell found wonderful company, unlike older humans. Coby and Lisa looked at the parrots that Sophie-Anne had placed in a cage, they were cockatoos in white the other had pink crests while the other had yellow. The children were fascinated by the beautiful birds that were asleep.

'Their beautiful, what are their names?' Lisa asked the Queen, it took her a long time to give a reply for she wise busy loathing her fellow vampire.

'I named them Russell and Sophie-Anne.' She finally replied, grinning. 'The one with the yellow crests is Russell and the one with the pink crests is Sophie-Anne.' Russell laughed while the children looked at the sleeping birds.

'They're cute together.' Lisa commented. The same thing can't be said by the individuals they were named after.

'Do you have a dinosaur?' Coby asked the King, when the Louisiana Queen bursts into laughter.

'No Coby, I do not have a dinosaur.' He said irritated. 'Why so interested in dinosaurs boy?'

'I like 'em! I wanna be a palon…paleon…'

'A palaeontologist when you grow up?' He sniggered and turned to Lisa. 'Have you eaten your dinner?'

'No sir, Sam was gonna but Mr. Northman said to wait till we get here.' Lisa replied and they indicated that they were indeed already hungry.

'Very well…guards!' Two of them entered the room and was instructed to prepare some human food and blood gelato for him and the Queen.

**FANGTASIA**

'Hmm…I wonder how Russell is holding up with those two.' Pam said to Eric in Swedish.

'Probably well and I wouldn't have gotten the thought of such a thing if you hadn't suggested it.' He smiled and drank blood from one of the fang-bangers sitting between him and his progeny.

'I could never forget how they smelled like.'

**MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL**

The phone rang while Tara was serving beer to the customers sitting by the counter, Lafayette was busy cooking orders. The phone has kept ringing with nobody to answer.

'Andy Bellefleur! Andy Bellefleur! Answer the phone! I'm busy serving beer!' She yelled at the Sheriff who was inches away from the phone.

'Why don't you answer it?' He replied. 'I'm sheriff of this town.'

'I don't care who you are! I told you I'm busy serving beer!'

They were yelling as the customers began to look like the Red Sea, the entire bar was packed.

'What's wrong witchu?' Tara said firmly. 'Answer the damn phone!'

'I got it!' Andy picked up the phone. 'Y'ello. Where you callin' from?' Bill's house?'

'_Sheriff you gotta believe me something's out there and Tommy's out there!_' Jessica said over the phone in a state of panic.

'I'm comin' over just hold on.'

Sam entered the bar when Andy called him over.

'Sam, Jessica's in Bill's house now panicking about something in the bushes and Tommy's missing.' The sheriff said worried, everyone in town now knew that Tommy is Sam's younger brother.

'I'm comin' with you.' He told Andy and went over to his truck to get his dessert eagle gun from the glove compartment.

'Sam? Where are Coby and Lisa?'

**BACK IN THE MANSION**

'I'm full!' Coby said and burped.

'I haven't had that much to eat since forever!' Lisa claimed and burped.

The two vampires looked at each other.

'She's right…we haven't had this much to eat.' Coby said, to them both.

'What does your mother do for a living?' Sophie-Anne asked, suddenly showing some minor interest in them and then glanced at Russell.

'She works as a waitress in Sam's bar.' Lisa replied. 'Sam's a good guy, though his mama and daddy ain't so.' She added and sipped on her coke.

'Yeah…I thought his mama was okay for a while but his daddy; Joe Lee is mean.' The boy commented and Russell just shrugged, he could care less about children at the moment but his queen looked concerned when he glanced at her direction. 'He was mean to Tommy, Sam's younger brother.'

Sophie-Anne knew they were children, but it was uncomfortable for her knowing the fate of her younger brother and sister about five-hundred years ago. She looked at them again; they look so much like Philip and Katherine.

The King stood up offering his hand out to the children who hesitantly took it, this time it seems as though he is to take them to another room. They did not speak for the entire evening but gave each other encrypted messages, and the King and Queen bid each other goodnight with air kisses.

The kids looked at the library that was full of old, dusty, fading pages of books. There were shelves and shelves of them that looked like one of those in the public library that they've been to once. Lisa tried to read the titles of the old books but they were in another language, possibly Russian.

'How do you read them?' Lisa asked, dusting one of the books. 'They're in a different language.'

'I've been around for centuries now; two thousand eight hundred years to be exact.' He said and sighed. 'You can learn all the languages you want in the world by then; that's a play by the way '_Uncle Vanya_' by Anton Chekov an original manuscript.' It was followed by silence, while he prepared a fire.

'Isn't it warm out for a fire?' Coby asked, they sat on the sofa.

'I suppose it is.' He took out the hearth. 'I love a good fire.' He looked tired, and afterwards rested on the individual chair.

'Are you sad mister?'

'No; just tired.'

'I thought vampires never get tired because they sleep in the morning.'

'Well, if you've been around for thousands of years you just get tired of living.' He replied as the sea of question began pouring again. 'Do you understand little girl?' She nodded.

**MERLOTTE'S BAR AND GRILL**

When she entered the bar everyone looked at her, hips swaying, lips red, and her face irresistible as though she has cast everyone in the bar with a spell. There was silence, the guys playing billiard stopped playing and turned their attention to her, even Tara and Lafayette who got out of his work station.

'Get me Sam Merlotte!' She commanded, everyone's eyes were all black. Tara shouting orders all of a sudden.

'Listen up! Half of us need to go out there and bring Sam here, while the others stay here in case he comes back.' She commanded as an army of the customers went outside in search of Sam.

'This is going to be a tribute indeed.' Mary Ann Forrester said as everyone left of the mob inside the bar went on a frenzy.

**BILL'S HOUSE**

'Jessica! It's Sam and Sheriff Bellefleur!' Sam knocked hard on the door and Jessica opened.

'Come in.' She said in a low voice. 'Make yourselves comfortable.' Jessica added and led them to the living room.

'What happened?' Sam asked, sitting down on the sofa across Jessica. 'Where's Tommy?'

'I don't know.'

'Why don't you tell us from the very beginning what happened.' Andy suggested.

'We were on our way here when we heard something in the bushes; it was like a bull or something, least it sounded like it.' She replied. 'Then afterwards Tommy shouted at me to run.'

'Did you turn back?'

'No, this thing made noises.' Jessica said.

Sam turned to Andy in disbelief.

'You don't think it's her don't you?' Andy said. 'She died for Pete's sake.'

'I have no answer.' Sam turned to Jessica. 'Don't worry, we'll find him and this **creature**.' He stood up; Sam already knew that it was Mary Ann and she's about to plague them all over again.

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Hey guys! read and review chapter 3 is next week so stay tuned... :)


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